BY DENISE HUNG
Being on the road for a long time serves a different purpose from why one started the engine. I went off the grid but only to have my hands holding a map in an unknown city. There is a certain novelty when you step outside a foreign vehicle and on to the dirty rough streets.
I found myself in Yangon one afternoon. A pariah nation or outcast, like a stray dog left roaming around the streets. Untamed and wild, it lives on its own rules, gave itself a name and paved the journey. I walked eastwards down 16th street/Bandula streets, passing by fresh avocado stalls, rice food booths, mohinga stands, fake DVDs stalls and random merchandise for sale. As a Malaysian, this feels right at home. I’d grown up in an environment where laws are broken and corruption reigns over sovereignty; well for the most part.
I sense the heaviness in their eyes. I feel their urge to change decades of military ruling but also not knowing what to do. Wanting freedom and to break away from the present. Yearning for a clean slate, and start anew. Yet we know it’s not about fixing something that is broken but making something better. Their lives are simple. Almost too simple to comprehend. Compared to our complicated sophisticated modernized cities, which are supposed to advance our daily lives and result in more complexities; they live in an ongoing developing plateau.
My intentions were clear. I came here on a mission to get away from a distant past I didn’t want to confront. I came here for a clean slate. While I didn’t expect myself to stay here for long period of time, I felt an instant connection with this country.
Before the trip, I was consumed by unhealthy relationships. Everyday was a tug of war of insecurities, jealousy and ego. There wasn’t a day that went by without me feeling an inch of sadness. I lied my way through the relationship by saying I was happy because that’s what we tell ourselves when we are with others; that there is no better company than being with someone else who loves you, or so you think is the way they perceive it.
Love comes in many forms. Love that consumes you. Love that toxically drives you to give unconditionally. Love that isn’t real love at all. The amount of time spent in the state of unhappiness drained the living out of me.
After everything dissolved and ended amicably, I was still struggling so I needed to get out of my own skin and allow it to breathe again.
“It’s all new,” they all say.
The novelty dies off easily when you seek for something better, despite it being a third world country, anything is better when you have been living in the past.
The truth is, living in modern society makes you take everything for granted, so I started to appreciate the simplest moments in life when I was in Yangon. Clean filtered water, a bowl of fresh cooked white grains, constant supply of electricity, a smooth even pavement, and a quiet smile.
The locals live a very simple life. As long as they have their daily family meals, perhaps a friendly ball match by the road, entertain their children with foreign cartoons and get a fair amount of money to sustain this lifestyle, they are contented.
One would say they don’t know how to look beyond the moment and imagine a brighter future. But coming from a brighter future, is there really a need to dive into the rat race? Most of them that make it out there, come back greedy. A constant want to feed their egos or bank accounts. Forgetting that family or closed ones are the ones that matter at the end of the day.
Family. Loved ones. The constant. Because if you can’t get that right, the rest just doesn’t matter.
Eventually, I decided to return back to the sunny shores; but of course, not before another small adventure. I excused myself from the hustle and joined a yoga retreat in Ngwe Saung beach. What was promised to be a six-hour journey, took us about eight hours instead. It was much expected, as I call it, the Burmese style: everything is consistently inconsistent.
Unlike previous struggles, the yoga practices were different. I genuinely rediscovered my own strength and found where my limitations lie. Ironically, the practice had become somewhat easier, and gave clearer head space. It’s as if I had decluttered my own brain and made way for some physical strength and serious alignments.The lighter one feels, the lighter the body becomes. “The body is smarter than your brain.” We often outwit ourselves by pushing the limits.
I’m back in the +65 region again, with a new job, but still hanging out with my crazy kitchen crew and exploring a deeper relationship. Somehow everything seems to work out the way it ought to be just as it should, with time.
Truth is, you don’t leave home for somewhere else. You leave to find home in yourself.
在路上久了，當初上路的目的也會發生變化。我對地圖上的坐標方格失去了興趣，只是手握地圖在一個陌生的城市裏。當你踏離開在國外的交通工具，走上一條又臟又爛的路時，一定存在一種新奇感。
我在緬甸呆了一下午。一個被遺棄的國度和一個被遺棄的人，如同一只流浪狗四處遊蕩在街上。未被馴服的和野生的，它們在各自的規則下生存，給自己命一個名字，然後為自己鋪設一段旅程。我沿著16號街道/Bandula 街道向東走去，路過了賣新鮮牛油果、米飯、魚湯米粉的攤位，還有賣盜版DVD的攤位和雜貨鋪。作為一個馬來西亞人，這一切就如同在自己家中的一樣。我從小生長在一個法律被觸犯，腐敗當道的環境。
我在他們的眼中感受到了沈重。我感受到了他們渴望改變幾十年來的軍事統治但不知道從何下手。渴望自由以突破當下。渴望一段清白的歷史，重新開始一段新的。而且我們知道要這樣的話不是聚焦在一些破碎的事物上，而是要讓新的事物更好。他們的生活簡單。簡單到無法理解。如果和我們復雜精密的現代化城市比起來的話，現代化城市原本是希望改善日常生活，實際上只導致了更多的復雜；他們生活在一個長期的停滯期中。
我的意圖很清晰。我來這裏的使命是逃離我不想面對的遙遠的過去。我來這裏是為了一段清白的歷史。同時我也不希望長呆於此，我感受到了與這個國家的一段短暫的聯系。
在旅途前，我被一些不健康的關系所消耗。每天都是一場關於不安、嫉妒和自我的鬥爭。沒有一天不是在痛苦中度過。我在那段關系中欺騙自己說我是快樂的，因為那就是我們告訴其他人的；我欺騙自己說那是一段最好的陪伴了，比起與其他所有愛我的人來說；欺騙自己看到的就是其他人看到的。
愛表現出很多種形式。愛會消耗你。愛會有毒般地驅使你無條件給予。那樣的愛完全不是真的愛。在不快樂的狀態花費的時間耗盡了我的生活。
在一切都友好地結束後，我還在掙紮著說我需要從自己的皮膚中出來透透氣，讓自己重新呼吸。
“一切都是新的,” 他們都這麽說道。
當你在尋求更好的東西時，新奇感就會消失，不管你是不是在第三世界國家，任何一件事都比活在過去好。
事實是居住在把一切都看做理所當然的現代社會裏，我開始欣賞生命中這些最簡單的時刻。幹凈過濾的水，一碗新鮮的白米飯，供應不斷的電源，一條光滑平整的大道，和一個安靜的笑容。
當地人過著非常簡單的生活，只要有一日三餐，再加上街邊可能還有一場友好的球賽，有外國的卡通畫可以娛樂他們的孩子，然後得到一筆可以維持這樣的生活方式的收入，他們就滿足了。
有人可能會說他們不知道怎麽超越當下，想象更光明的未來。但是為了一個更光明的未來，就真的有必要投入到一場激烈的競爭中去了嗎？大多數人得到了，卻帶回了貪婪。需要持續不斷地餵養自我或銀行賬戶。忘記了家庭和身邊的人才是一天結束後最重要的。
家庭。愛人。永恒。如果你沒有恰當地得到它們的話，其余的都不重要。
最終，我決定回到陽光海岸；但是當然，不是之前的另一個小冒險。我讓自己從喧囂忙碌中抽離，參加了一個在維桑海灘的瑜伽靜修。承諾6個小時的路程，最後用了8個小時。就如我所想象的緬甸風格那樣，唯一不變的就是變化本身。
不同於先前的掙紮，瑜伽練習是不一樣的。我逐漸重新發現自己內在的力量，找到了自己的局限所在。諷刺的是，習練卻因此變得更簡單，而且讓我的頭腦更清晰。一切如同我整理了自己的頭腦，獲得了身體的力量，並給自己的身體做了重要的順位。頭腦變得比身體更加輕盈。在超越極限的時候，我們通常會欺騙自己“身體比你的頭腦還要聰明。”
我又再次回到+65區，換了一份新工作，但依舊會和我的廚房裏工作的夥伴外出閑逛，並且在探索更深的關系。無論如何，隨著時間的推移，一切像是回到了應有的樣子。
真理是，你不用離開家去到別處。你離開是為了在你的內在尋找到家。
Denise Hung is a mileage collector, on a plant based diet, enjoys immersing herself in nature and being upside down on a yoga mat. Denise graduated with a patisserie degree and lived in Yorkshire, Orlando & Santa Monica, and is about to leave Singapore for Hong Kong. She co-written a cookbook (Kitchen Stories) with a talented food stylist, Elodie Bellegarde. She is thinking of publishing another book. While on this journey, she often contemplates about the impermanence of form and bring awareness towards the space within.
Denise Hung 基於美食的旅程裏數收集者，喜歡將自己沈浸在自然中，在瑜伽墊上翻轉倒立。Denise 是西點師畢業，曾居住在 Yorkshire, Orlando & Santa Monica，即將離開新加坡啟程香港。她曾和有才華的食品設計 Elodie Bellegarde 一起編寫了一本食譜（廚房裏的故事）。如今她正為另一本書的出版做打算。在旅程中，她通常會去思考形式的無常，並將覺知帶向內在的空間。
